sign with quote

Why Am I Like this- (Not) Saying No

Food for thought

Sometimes, you struggle with writing ideas, sometimes the stories present themselves just as you’re about to sit down and write.

Today, I don’t want to talk about how I can’t seem to say NO to people I don’t know.
My worst nightmare consists of me being rude to others (now that I think about it I saw a bunch of terrible creatures in my dream last night, they wouldn’t stop showing up all over the place, and I wasn’t worried at all, but they probably were ~the stuff nightmares are made of~). A nightmare could be me being rude to those creatures.
Anyway, kinda proud of dream me, she handled it so well, 0 freaking out, maximum efficiency who is sheee. Imagine having to explain Internet humor like who is sheee to people, that’d create the ultimate fictional nightmare.
As I was saying, I hate unnecessary rudeness (like it’s ever a necessity, but you know).
However, now I’m at a place I didn’t want to be because I couldn’t just say nah I’m good. I don’t mean that metaphorically.
I wanted to get some work done by the beach, looking at the waves, a light breeze on my hair…
Now I’m at this basement bar, sort of, hearing the people who work here trying to prove who’s the least dumb thus more deserving of my attention, WiFi isn’t even working so can’t get much work done and now I’m complaining about something that is my fault. I couldn’t stay outside because there’s no cord outlet for my uncharged PC, and I could’ve easily gone to one of the 50 other bars close by that have outlets outside. But no. The waiter said you can stay inside, stay inside, inside, there’s a cord outlet inside.
I hesitated for a second, then he reiterated, inside. I was defeated.
Can’t wait to tell my friends, who will roast me about it for days. I can already hear it “you tell us NO all the fucking time and you can’t tell a guy you’ve never and will never see again you don’t want to sit there?”
They roasted me last time we were at the beach for a similar occurrence. I had some stomach issues and my mum, despite being miles away, convinced me to get some medication. The one we always get for stomach issues. After walking for so long, I finally found a pharmacy. I only needed that kind of medication, I knew the name and the quantity and felt assured I’d be fine afterward, as I always do.
I got out of the pharmacy pissed, and with a shitload of pills and whatnot with me, despite saying NO, I don’t need that! Or that! very clearly, several times. She just kept insisting yes, you do, this went on for about 2 minutes until I caved in.
I know, I’m weak, and natural selection will take care of me sooner rather than later.
I’m sure a lot of people have done plenty of research on the matter and written amazing books and articles on how to fucking deal. It’s definitely not a serious issue at all at the moment for me to be legitimately worried, and I have faith I’ll figure it out with no outside help. If anything, it’s funny.
Growing up, I was on the opposite side of the kindness spectrum. Maybe I’m making up for old times with the extra YES-es?
I like to think of it that way. As anything, it’s a journey.
Since I’d feel bad for making you read 600 words (so far) without offering any sort of CTA/resolution besides it be like that sometimes, here it is, the secret to success. Not clickbait.
Thanks for reading!
Photo by Evan Kirby on Unsplash

What The Water Gave Me

Food for thought

The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. – Isak Dinesen

Always considered water home. Simply, strangely, truly, home. I’ve laughed, cried, screamed, meditated even, in the water. All these ideas, decisions, stories, people, all water.

All the water in the world can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside. – Goi Nasu

I came across both of those quotes almost a decade ago now, wrote them on the wall by my bed as a “reminder” (edgy). Fun fact: The first time I got my hand on wifi+a color printer I printed out (and put on the wall by my bed, bien sur) 2 photos of:

  1. The Pussycat Dolls, pink background, and
  2. Either Rihanna or Paris Hilton, I can’t remember for the life of me.

Another fun fact: my email was delfinafrompcd, as in from The Pussycat Dolls. Gold times. Another one: Maybe every other day, I used to call and talk to the host of this radio show and my “stage” name was Paris Hilton, I was ~11 lmao. However I’m fucking obsessed with Rihanna still, maybe more than ever, so I guess she wins the bed shrine games.

What I was trying to say is that those water-related quotes are the only ones I remember, despite having hundreds on the wall. Surely, part of the reason is that the other ones were emo-phase inspired and my brain would crash just by trying to remember, let alone make sense of them. However, I remember the water-related ones because water has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember.

Drowning (80% sure this is a fabricated memory), my brother becoming a pro swimmer, me being a swimmer, family business related to swimming, so many narratives influenced and shaped by…water.

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow

I never gave much thought to how deeply connected to the sea I was and have been all my life, until recently. This relationship is so close to my heart, so precious and valuable to me, a neverending source of unconditional love. Harmony. Purity. Unity. Oneness.

Forgiveness.

Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, and I will never have to be confronted with that choice. No one can take it away from me, and that’s the most liberating feeling in the world.

I stopped writing because I was scared of what the wrong people were getting or could get from it.

Fear. That will be my official answer from now on as to why I stopped writing, after having written every day for ~2 months and loving every aspect of it.

Water. Official answer as to why I’m back.

Unofficial answers: Because it was about time. Because I’m healed. Because the fear isn’t real, some things, no one can EVER take from you.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough -Meister Eckhart

The beach is a wise friend, a therapist, a healer, a truth-er. It’s my gut instinct, my guide, my reflection. It’s shown me the way so many times I can’t begin to count, and words will never be enough to express my gratitude.

Let’s start with this: THANK YOU. I’m here, I’m back, I’m good.

Finn Hackshaw

Monday

Food for thought

Be cautious. I tried to pay attention, but attention paid me. Pay attention for just a few more seconds or words, who knows what you’ll see or what pattern you’ll notice, that you otherwise wouldn’t have.

Try harder. Personal struggle. I either don’t do enough or go overboard.

Accountability is a powerful tool that helps you reach your goals. Use it as such. Deliberately. Often.

The power of new beginnings is such a tool as well: new day, new week, new notebook, new haircut? Use the little things in your favor, see how quickly they add up.

Finding the problem is the hardest part.”

Ask better questions, find the mistake, fix it as quickly and beautifully and mindfully as you can, make better mistakes, repeat.

mosque from unsplash

Eid Mubarak

Food for thought

In Albania, we’re quite respectful towards other’s religious beliefs. There are mosques and churches within walking distance of one another in the center of the city. Everyone celebrates their religion’s holidays openly, proudly, without concern of judgment, harassment, or fear for their life.

During Ramadan or Christmas, I always become hyper-aware of the extreme gap between what religion preaches, and what it actually practices.

Worth

Food for thought

Anything that acts as a facilitator in you seeing your worth more clearly, do that.

Manage everything in your power to increase your value, as often as possible, as ruthlessly as needed.

Form no attachment to your present version.

Allow and welcome upgrades regarding who you are, what you do, and who you surround yourself with.

‘Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.’
Yellow poster

Saturday – People Who Think Others (Women) Owe Them Things

Feminism, Food for thought

The nerve, the audacity

I’m a firm believer in stating your intentions early on. Being clear on what you expect from your romantic relationships, friendships, and workplace is key in meeting those expectations and getting what you want, whatever that was/is.

Coming (literally) across Andy Leek’s amazing art when I was in Amsterdam, I quickly became obsessed. I’m a sucker for one-liners that speak the truth.

Bittersweet Realization on Elderly People

Food for thought

I’m by the beach, enjoying my morning coffee & this lovely breeze & the 90s music that is playing. At the moment, my friends aren’t here so I’m enjoying my time alone. I scrolled on my phone and wrote for a bit on my notebook.

Then was just enjoying the view and the moment, the stripped beach umbrellas, the tiny palm trees, the glowy sand, the parachute up in the sky and the person in it probably having the time of their life.

And the elderly (seemingly) couple next to me. They seemed to be enjoying the moment as well, especially each others company and the conversation.

sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own

"Fight Tyranny sign with Trump's face on it in the basket of a bicycle" by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash

Coffee Shop Thoughts 4: Why Trump Sucks

Food for thought

~admittedly, a modest headline~

Going to cute cafés to get work done + My thoughts = Coffee Thoughts Shop.  Join me on this journey to caffeine poisoning and success (hopefully not both).

One Two Three

A loved one had a dream involving Trump and my immediate response was asking whether they punched him. Are you familiar with the expression spill the tea? Well, I was drinking tea and spilled it when they said they like Trump more than Obama, that they like Trump period. Deep deep down I knew, but hearing it said so bluntly was something, alright. I said I had read and heard so many horrible things about what Trump says and does and thinks that I was no longer able to put it in a few sentences.

Turns out I lied, because here I am now, writing on 10 reasons why Trump sucks. I’ll stick with what comes to mind like I would in a tête-à-tête conversation, with no further research done (also, because if I were to include every horrible/hateful thing he’s done, we’d here a while.)

If you’re reading (which you are because I’ll show this to you), this one’s for you.

  1. He’s been accused of sexual assault by several women. Seeing how false rape accusations account for only 2% of overall accusations, I have reason to believe AT LEAST ONE of them wasn’t lying.
  2. He didn’t condemn Charlottesville’s protest, where “protesters” shouted things like “Jews will not replace us”, a Nazi drove into the crowd with his car, a woman was killed, hundreds injured. All he said was that there are sides to each story, and some of the protesters were very fine people. He sided with violence and racism and antisemitism and hate.
  3. He didn’t help Puerto Rico, while the people there were suffering and dying, he tweeted passive aggressive things and later wrote “helping Puerto Rico cost the US a lot”. What does that mean?! Puerto Rico IS the US! You have enough funds to start a nuclear war and build a wall, but not help those in need? When he did eventually go there, he was disrespectful as he threw paper towels at them and laughed.
  4. He made fun of a disabled reporter who asked him a question, in national television. In what world is that okay, I don’t know. It’s beyond me how someone that is expected to be the leader and role model of millions can be such a fucking awful human.
  5. His view on women is clear: they’re lesser than, and we only speak of what’s documented (tapes, recordings, tweets). (Un)fortunately, there’s plenty of those. He has commented on different women looks, what he’d do to them (you know-grab them by the pussy), how he might just take one of his friends over to steal people’s partners, how he would DATE HIS DAUGHTER if she wasn’t his, ya know, daughter. Hm, what else what else?
  6. In a trial, he called a woman who asked for a break to breastfeed DISGUSTING. How is the most natural thing ever disgusting? Is it because breasts are disgusting if they’re not being sexualized?
  7. He once asked how could we expect Hillary to satisfy America if she couldn’t satisfy her husband. Now, never in a million years would we expect (or even justify) similar behavior from Obama.
  8. He called New York Times, NBC News, ABC, CBS, CNN fake news. Yes, all of them. Now, what are the chances of that, realistically speaking?
  9. He DOESN’T BELIEVE in climate change (or know the difference between HPV and HIV), and is overall anti-science. Within moments of Trump’s inauguration, nearly all references to climate change disappeared from the White House official website. “Trump has an appalling ignorance of the current world, of history, of previous American engagement, of what former Presidents thought and did” Geoffrey Kemp, who worked at the Pentagon during the Ford Administration and Reagan Administration, told The New Yorker.
  10. He once said “26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”.

You can find all of these, and more, online. Easily. Please do and stop supporting people that stand against everything we believe in.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

Sunday Reminiscing #1

Food for thought

When I started, I knew I wanted to write every single day, but I was also aware I would *need* Sundays to be slightly different. However, Sundays had to be included if I wanted to be able to say “I’ve been writing and publishing my writing every day since ______” without feeling like a fraud. Then I remembered.

I love going through old notebooks, favorite part: out of context sentences.

Here are some of those from my journals throughout the years, in alphabetical, non-chronological order, grouped together for aesthetic purposes:

0% chance of wearing pants
A cat that’s not even mine scratched my bag and peed on my bag, A-hole
A child running around holding leeks in hand
A lot of planning has to go into it these days
A restless dog. A see-thru shirt. Cat in my lap.
A woman saying she’s pregnant with the holy spirit
An adult conversation. Choosing gin. Him feeling better. Her feeling worse.
As always, I think of such a distant future

 

“Big minority”
Didn’t slip on ice’
Drinks, dances, tears, smiles, kisses, music, the people, my people, happiness
Felt glad I gave the book a second chance
Guy looking at Kim K’s IG during their talk
HOWEVER, I think I finally got it right, what I should and shouldn’t do
He does, but his words don’t
How old is that way of thinking/doing?

I died right then and there
I don’t expect shit from men
I found that song I was looking for
I keep thinking I don’t have time for this
I made cookies, liked the cookie dough more
If I can’t be alone with him, I’ll be here by myself. I don’t mind. I just wanted something else.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

It really made my day
It’s so green and clean and spiritual there
More: 1.) Cookie 2.) warmth 3.) help 4.) truth-telling
Oh, he’s only doing things for the money now
People having beer and Skyping with a loved one
REMINDER: Wine works
Reminder to ask for/get what you really want

Surprisingly, I take it easy
Swimming at night. Wine exploding everywhere. Leaving.
That night I slept over
The truth’s changed
Then they’re gonna talk if they have something to say
Tried concealer for the first time
Wasn’t I the one caressing him when I went there?

We got: 1.) wine 2.) in a fight
We were: 1.) both equally excited to see each other 2.) up dancing all night
When? When you told me to?
Words were said, tears were shed, I’m not sad- 132nd time’s a charm
Wore velvet. Found a great parking spot.
You’d think they’re gender neutral, but they were created for men, by men