TW: Abuse, domestic violence
This has been a busy week for me, work and life-wise. Surprisingly, I’ve had quite the heavy flow of thoughts-pouring (just made it up!) on social media. Well, on Instagram, my only public social network since I believe one is more than enough. My Twitter is a bunch of incoherent, NSFW shitposts and I intend to keep it that way.
Some of my social media thoughts-pouring need to be on here as well.
My wallpaper (Rihanna)
The first series of posts that was well-received and I’m sharing on here today was about the queen itself, Rihanna. I was talking to my friend, a fellow RiRi lover, and she said she hadn’t known RiRi got back together with Chris after he beat her.
Why would she do that?
I remembered having written about it on The Lie of Now, here’s the excerpt:
Memories appear as either more or less important, more bitter, or way sweeter than they actually were. By definition, they’re just… memories. Fleeting.
You’ve probably had to learn the hard way not to rely much on memories or nostalgia for decision making. Victims miss their abusers for some time too, way after they’ve left physically. A victim makes approximately 7 attempts to leave before they do for the last time. Emotions aren’t to be trusted when recounting the past and deciding what you should do.
Seven times.
In my stories, I explained that for a lot of people (see: women), the last time isn’t that lucky. It’s their last breath, not figuratively.
Domestic violence could be closer than we know, hidden within a friend, cousin, coworker, neighbor. What does that imply for them or the less privileged, if RiRi chose to stay?
Here’s another excerpt from The Lie of Now, from a New Yorker piece on women’s shelters:
“Her goal was to have one day when she was not blamed for anything, but there was never a day like that, so she came to believe that she was a very stupid and useless person who could not do anything right. Sometimes she would cry, and her husband would scold her that it was her fault the family was unhappy.
She wanted to save her marriage. She knew that, if she divorced, it would be so shameful that she could never go back to China. And because she was not allowed to leave the house by herself, and barely spoke English, and had no money, and was constantly yelled at, she became convinced that she would have no way of surviving in America on her own. It was one thing to die on the streets by herself, but she could never do that to her daughter. So she stayed.”
Larissa MacFarquhar, The Radical Transformations of a Battered Women’s Shelter on The New Yorker
Doesn’t that “So she stayed” break your heart in a thousand pieces?
RiRi is my fucking wallpaper. I love her and what she’s built that much. She runs an empire and is larger than life.
Rihanna hasn’t allowed Chris Brown the scumbag to be even slightly associated with her powerful figure.
A lot of women never get to make that choice.
Cats get seven lives, many women aren’t that lucky.
So, I thought I’d share that train of thought on here too. Domestic abuse has risen all over the world since COVID-19, now’s the time to pay close attention to those who surround us.
Below are some resources on domestic violence and abusive relationships:
- The Lie of Now could be helpful
- Therapist Kati Morton‘s videos
- Lalalaletmeexplain’s podcast, especially these two episodes: Lala Explains with Women’s Aid – A Special Focus on Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence and Children with Natasha K Benjamin
- Mira Kirshenbaum’s book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
- Psychology Today’s guide on Domestic Violence shows you how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship, how to cope, etc.
- International Domestic Violence Resource Guide (Thanks to Beth Simon for suggesting I include this guide here).
Well said.